My husband, Scott, and I were cuddling in the hot tub last night at the club after water aerobics, something we enjoy and feel very spoiled doing. When I went into the dressing room to change, a woman spoke to me. She told me that my husband and I looked very much in love. I told her we certainly were … 32 years worth of being in love. She asked the usual questions about how old we were when we were married, etc. But then she asked, “Have you had some tough times, some REALLY BAD ones?” I told her the answer was a definite yes. She asked what our secret was. I prayed. I knew this was a divine appointment.
I told her that during our premarital counseling, our pastor had told us three things we should live by in order to stay married for a lifetime: 1) we had to be more committed to the covenant and relationship than to the other person; 2) we couldn’t base our relationship on our feelings because they ebb and flow; and 3) love was not a feeling but a moment by moment choice. I then said that during times of impasse and emotional tension, we always went back to these foundational principles. These principles always brought us back together.
After a moment of taking it in, she then said, “Oh, you had pre-marital counseling. That was probably a good idea. What church was that?” And I told her. I looked into her eyes as we chatted briefly about churches. As we both prepared to leave, I told her my name and that I enjoyed our chat. She told me her name and said the same. I told her I was sure we’d see each other again at the next class.
“Nancy” has been on my mind. Who knows what was really behind her questions and comments. All I know is that our paths crossed; I believe she needed me right then. Me … someone who had been through some REALLY BAD times in my marriage and stayed married through them. I certainly wasn’t thinking how much God would use those times in the future when I was going through them! Those times felt lonely and hurtful and dark.
I think most people have an unrealistic view of marriage. Most people live as though everything revolves around themselves. But this view leads to hurt, frustration, unhappiness, resentment, anger and divorce. God wants to give us a different list: oneness, contentment, fulfillment, purpose, companionship, lifelong love. This list comes with hard work and sacrifice, not because we insisted on our own way. It only comes when we’re willing to give up our own preferences and meet the needs of our loved one. As we give, our loved one gives back to us. It always works … every time.
No matter where you are in your relationship at this moment, fight for your marriage! Nurture! Sacrifice! Speak encouraging words! Be willing to feel some pain if needed to push through to enjoy the next season together. At the end of your life, you won’t remember the painful times. You’ll remember that you loved for a lifetime … and it was worth every day of choosing.
Candy Troutman 
Thanks for the pingback, Sheila. I’m always honored when others are encouraged by what the the Lord has taught me. Being married to my stable, responsible, cautious, detailed husband (now 34 years in another month) has been exactly what was needed for this flighty, flaky, adventuresome, random old lady! I have changed so much over the years because of his strengths. He is a pleasure to love … now. We’ve grown together because we work hard to create the loving and accepting environment you talked about.
I loved what you said about getting down to what things really look like when they’re lived out. I have no patience for buzz words and phrases like … “The Lord will help me love that person.” (When? The Lord would have you love that person NOW. Are you waiting for the Lord to drop all kinds of vague love from heaven down on you so you will suddenly and instantly love that person or what?)
Our spiritually confident walk with Jesus and our loving and fulfilling marriage relationship aren’t some “things” we’re shooting for, hoping for sometime in the future. They only come to us by doing the right and loving things consistently and over time. They come at every decision point throughout the day. Choose to love today. Tomorrow never comes.
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Candy,
What you say is so true. My Scott and I have been married 40 years this February 28th. The only way we have made it is working through those tough times and becoming united stronger. Thanks for the reminder.
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Great post Candy. I am blessed to have a husband who firmly believes that love is a choice we make, not simply a feeling.
Glad I stopped by, I need to read more….
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Hello HisFireFly ~
How lovely to hear from you! Thank you so much for stopping by my blog. I’m very blessed by the encouragement. I love hearing what God is doing out there. And I enjoyed your blog very much, too.
Looking forward to hearing from you again!
Candy Troutman Inspirational Speaker Boise, Idaho 208.850.2453 J esus O ffers Y ou … J.O.Y. http://www.candytroutman.wordpress.com
Catch me on Facebook! Username: Candy Floyd Troutman —– Original Message —–
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Great post Candy! My husband and I have been married 31 years and I agree with everyting you wrote. People often don’t press through the hard times and so they miss out on the deeper love a long marriage can offer.
So glad I discovered you and your writing. We have mutual friends on facebook.
I too am a writer. You can check out my web site at kathleenkohler.com
Thanks for the encouraging words,
Kathleen
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I just LOVE this!!!! I wish everybody could see and read it!
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I’m so happy our paths crossed! Make an effort to know what makes your husband happy and do it. It will come back to you! Blessings!
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That is a great post! I am going through a rough patch right now…blended families always add a level of difficulty that isn’t in a “normal” marriage. My parents were married for 53 years before my mom died. I know they went through tough times that almost did them in. but they loved each other and knew that with God all things are possible. i am trying really hard to keep this in mind these days. Thanks for this timely post!
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