Your Marriage

Frustrated Lovers (PG13 post)

Candy blogs: For the most part a neglected topic in Christian circles, I’ve recently seen some brave bloggers approach the subject well. A great post can be found at Sheila Gregoire’s blog, To Love, Honor & Vacuum. Thanks for bringing up the subject, Sheila.

Frustrated Lovers?

Marital sexual frustration is a common theme among married couples. It can be as simple as an irritant and as serious as a reason for divorce. And perhaps the most frustrating thing about it is the question of where to go for guidance, help or advice. It’s such a personal issue. Let’s go there.

This is not the place to go into a great deal of detail but it is the place to outline some basic reasons for marital sexual frustration.

There must be a full commitment to the covenant of marriage ~
There is a security and protection under the covering of marriage. Each spouse can feel safe during the long learning process ahead. The commitment to the marriage itself, even more than to the person, will carry you through the successes and failures that are sure to come.
* Be willing to learn about the mechanics of sexuality. Contrary to what you see in the media, this doesn’t necessarily come naturally. There are many great Christian books on this subject.
* Keep trying. It takes years to build a healthy and fulfillng sexual relationship. Too many couples quit too soon or settle for less and never experience this beautiful benefit. It’s why God designed marriage to be a life long relationship.
* Selfish lovers are frustrated lovers. When we truly love each other, we put the needs of our spouse before our own. This is true in all areas of marriage but especially true in the sexual area. When both spouses are generous lovers, the needs of both spouses will be met.

Each spouse must be willing to give themselves totally to the other ~
Marital sexual intimacy is so much more than physical. There is a giving and openness on all levels of relationship.
* Be vulnerable and trusting. Open bodies, open minds, open souls. Any type of nagging, sarcasm or criticism in the bedroom will kill sexual intimacy. These things make us feel unsafe so we hold back a part of ourselves to keep from being hurt or disappointed.
* Honest and open communication is vital. So often we are embarrassed to say outloud what we like or don’t like. We’re embarrassed to even say certain words. But moving past our discomfort and developing this kind of intimate communication with our spouse leads to a healthy and fulfilling sexual life. We cannot expect our spouse to read our mind. There is no other way to actually know! It’s important to communicate every time because needs and desires change. What worked last week might not be desired this week. This is normal.

Be Playful ~
* Continue to learn about and know each other. That encompasses so much … moods, physical preferences, season of life, personality traits, love language, current physical health, time constraints, ambiance. And don’t be afraid or closed off to something new.
* Keep your expectations realistic; don’t take single disappointments too seriously. There’s always next time; you have a lifetime to get it right. When is the last time you giggled or laughed? Have some fun. Stay playful.
* It’s important not to assess the quality of your marriage or the status of ourselves or our spouse as a lover on individual acts. Those opinions and titles are earned over time, during the learning curve. Single disappointments fade as happy, playful, fulfilling successes become the norm. Marital sexual intimacy is not a performance waiting to be judged, it’s a mutual give and take experience.

So be real, Christians. A growing and healthy marital intimacy relationship is just as important an area of our walk with Jesus as any other. It needs our time and attention. We always want to maintain privacy and modesty in a discussion of this nature but it shouldn’t preclude having the discussion. Do you have some thinking and talking to do with your spouse tonight? Go for it!

Choosing joy … and play!

11 thoughts on “Frustrated Lovers (PG13 post)”

  1. Candy,

    You do such a great job sharing. After 43 years of marriage, I can affirm your advice. I can also say, we still have MUCH to learn, and I gained some tidbits I’m anxious to try!
    Thank you!

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    1. Shirley, isn’t it fabulous that this gift can and should get better with time?! I’ll be waiting for YOUR post along these lines to pick up some nuggets of 43 year old wisdom. I believe we can have discussions like this without being crass or betraying confidences.

      Like

  2. If you really want to transform your love relationship, try privately praying during your times of intimacy–thanking God for your mate, your intimacy, your relationship, for the thrill to his touch…it will change the way you love him and by inviting God before, during and after intimacy, even if he has no idea, it will change the way he loves you. Try it. You’ll never go back!

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    1. I couldn’t agree more. I think men like the giggling … at least my man does. Women especially tend to make everything into a drama. Thanks for bringing up the subject. It’s great to finally have an outlet for “delicate issues” with today’s technology.

      Like

  3. Thanks, Candy!!!!
    It was an excellent article and topic. One that I needed to read even after 40 years of marriage. Thanks again.

    Like

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